I'm not sure you understand. I'm not sure that I even understand. I don't think anybody really gets
it. A butterfly passes by the train and yields to its blowing winds, unbeknowst that soon its wings will tear from sheer velocity
and the remainder of its life will be left fluttering about on the dirt ground, inhaling dust that it kicks up in its attempts
to once again fly into the air.
They don't see me, don't see my eyes, see nothing of what I am and what I could be. I don't want
to be alone forever but right now I just can't seem to get enough of the comfort I can offer myself. I look in the mirror
and see a girl. But that's it. I don't see anything beyond blue eyes and blindingly blonde hair. And it makes me wonder, if
I can't see it, what says they can? What makes me so different? Nothing..with every scream, with every shout, with every hit,
I'm constantly reminded that there's nothing special about me. I'm just Sam and that's all I'm ever going to be. I hate myself,
I hate being what I cannot change, I hate this mediocre life where I settle for second place and watch while the winner makes
love to the trophy. Sitting in the stands and watching the game can seem unbearable when you're itching to get out and run
and all I can do now is try to keep up before they leave me in the dust.
I once thought that they'd wait for me forever. But now I see that I'm nothing but a roadblock, holding
them back. I sit in the middle of the road, at war with myself, while they skirt around me, bewildered looks on their faces.
In my ehad I dream of doing horrible things. Like sitting at the lunch table and reaching over, grabbing
a plastic knife, and digging it into my arm and just letting the blood spill out onto the white table. I'm not doing it for
attention. I want them to see that I'm not what they think I am. I want them to acknowledge I'm crazy, treat my like I'm insane,
because I am. Lock me away so I can hate you. I hate you anyway but I want to hate you more. I want this darkness to consume
me until it's all I feel and I won't have to worry about anything having to do with comfort and love. I want to feel black
and hateful even more so now. So hurt me, betray me, make me cry because I want you to. Kiss the devil right in front of my
face while waving your halo around your head, turn to me and smirk and say, "We're so happy, this being and I. So consumed
in fire are we that we notice notghing of you standing there." I'll walk away, I'll never look back, because I want to.
